


I want you to be happier

by YulianaHenderson



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, and i would never hurt you as much as the writers are setting out to hurt us, another possible s6 plotline, but we all know this is sort of ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-17 03:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16967124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YulianaHenderson/pseuds/YulianaHenderson
Summary: When May and Coulson settle in on Tahiti, finally being able to be together like they had wanted for decades, Coulson breaks his many promises to May by leaving her behind without much explanation. But of course, May won't have any of it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Admittedly, this fic is somewhat similar to Number One, but I really liked that general idea so I decided to take another possible turn for Season 6. Is mostly angsty but will end on a happy note. Guarantee, cross my heart and hope to die.  
> So this is a multi-chapter but most of it is already written, much like Mama May but then much shorter, so you don't have to wait long for updates!  
> Title is taken from 'Happier' by Marshmello and Bastille. One line especially inspired me to write this fic: "I want to see you smile but know that means I'll have to leave." I'll just leave that there.

Melinda May had tried to be strong, she really had, but she soon realized that all she was doing was turning into even more of a statue than she already was. Perhaps in a different lifetime, it would have worked in her favor, shutting off her emotions and feel nothing, but as she exited the little ensuite bathroom on her way back to bed, her heart constricted so painfully at the sight there she had to sit down in the nearest chaise and take in a deep breath.

Phil Coulson had always interested her in one way or another. She had always been attracted to him, those clear blue eyes not hiding anything, his kind, compassionate smile making sure he could get whatever his heart desired. She had never acted upon that attraction, unlike with other men, because she had always thought that he didn't feel the same way. He was too much of a gentleman and frankly an idiot to see the truth, but she had always been content with having him as a friend. Anybody would be honored with just that.

He stirred a little in his sleep, a tiny smile pulling on his lips, as though he was pleased by his dream, and she wondered what he was dreaming of.

It wasn't that she didn't see the black lines on his chest and arms, his skin so pale, void of life almost - she didn't want to accept the very real fact that she didn't have forever with him, that she couldn't live to the ripe old age of ninety with him by her side. 

His condition really had spiraled down, and it terrified the living daylights out of her. He had been in her life since her mid twenties, when they had been mere rookies within the agency, carefully climbing the ranks and trying to find out who they were, with or without SHIELD. She realized the period in which he had been in her life was longer than the one where he hadn't been, and so it wasn't a surprise to her anymore that she was unable to grasp what a life without him could be like. Who was she without Phil Coulson? 

“May?” she heard, although she was certain it was mostly sleep talking, voice heavy.

“Hey,” she whispered, even adding a little smile. She was good at that, wasn't she? Pretending to be okay while on the inside, she was dying. Well, he had never fallen for her BS, and now was no exception. She knew he wouldn't accept her pulling away, but she still tried. “Go back to sleep.”

“Not without you.” Some of the sleep had left and she managed to hear him clearly, mostly. His sleepy eyes tried to focus on her, find her in the dark, until they landed on her tired, worn out frame. “Come back to bed.”

She was only ever the one delivering orders, despite him being her superior and boss for almost a decade, but she knew he was about the only one she would accept orders from. Even now, when she knew she would only make matters worse by returning to bed - his arms opened and her heart constricted again but she still stood and climbed into bed, his arms instantly closing around her, enveloping her in the most perfect way, as though his arms were made especially for her. It was a ridiculous sentiment, really.

She could feel him hesitating in asking why she had been out of bed in the first place, but he probably decided that it wouldn't do them good to dwell on the negative.

She'd had a nightmare, of holding his lifeless body in her arms and feeling her own life drain out of her, her past, present and future burning up in flames as the one person who could have ever seen her for the human being that she was had died right in front of her eyes. Upon waking up, the sight of him had been too much, it was too bittersweet, there was no way she could have kept herself in his arms with that taste of endless pain on her tongue. So she had fled to the bathroom, almost throwing up, unable to deal with her emotions while by his side, but even worse while she was apart from him.

His gentle fingers tipped up her chin, and she barely had the opportunity to think about what was happening before his lips touched hers, his hand cupped her cheek, the other in the back of her neck, and she could only melt in his arms and give in to him.

Her nightmare was still in the back of her head, but the longer he kissed her, the more she disappeared into him, until she forgot about everything but him. It was really all she should focus on.

Just him. 

Phil Coulson.

The love of her life.

 

~...~

 

This time, her dreams were pleasant, memories of their past adventures mixed with hopes for the future, that she could wake up next to him every day and kiss him as a morning greeting, cuddle up to him late at night when sleep was overtaking her, and just know that he was there with her, for her, that he would never leave her side.

When she regained consciousness enough, her sleepy side reached for him, to hug him and reassure her that the dream was still sort of real, but she was wide awake when she found his side of the bed to be empty. There was still a dent in the pillow where his head had been, she could swear she could still feel his warmth, but he had completely disappeared. 

She shot up and looked around, getting her bearings, seeing how the windows were slightly opened, the thin curtains moving in the draft. His clothes, which had been folded neatly on the chair in the corner of the room, were gone, too.

“Phil?”

Her heart started beating frantically in her chest, instantly worrying for him, where could he be, where could he have gone? She climbed out of bed to check in the bathroom, but found it empty, too, the shower stall still damp, indicating he had taken a shower.

“Phil?” she tried again, but she got no response, just dead silence, except for a few birds rummaging around the cabin and the distant rise and fall of the sea. 

She couldn’t breathe. Had he just left, without saying goodbye, without telling her where he was going, after everything they had been through? She had considered their short time in Tahiti the best period in her entire life, filled with love and compassion and respect, sleeping in his arms, making love to him - did he not feel the same way? He had asked her to spend the rest of his days here, and yet now he was the one putting an end to that? 

She couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks, and she rubbed at them angrily, this was not the time for tears, she should find him and keep him here, with her! Dammit, she knew she couldn’t get forever with him, but she had hoped for a little longer!

That’s when she noticed a note on the nightstand on her side of the bed, and her breath returned, if only for a little while, as she rushed to the bed and picked up the note.

_ “My dearest Melinda, _

_ I realized last night that I can’t let you watch me die. It was selfish of me to ask you to do this, and I won’t hurt you again. So we won’t see each other again, and even looking at you like this hurts like hell. But I won’t hurt you again, I promise. You deserve better than that. _

_ I love you, Melinda. Never, ever forget that.  _

_ Love, your Phil.” _

It took her seemingly forever to register what she had just read, the numbing loneliness of the suddenly empty cabin making it hard to concentrate, but when the words had settled in her brain, she threw away the note angrily.

The asshole! How dare he make these kinds of decisions for her?! She had gone willingly with him, hadn’t she, knowing she would have to watch him die, but deciding that it was better than not seeing him at all, and now he was suddenly noble and quite frankly stupid, keeping himself from her because he thought that was what she wanted?

No. No! She wouldn’t accept this. She didn’t have to. She would watch him die, now especially after he had gone and done this, and she would beat him up for even thinking that this was the right decision. 

She got dressed quickly, not caring for makeup or brushing her hair, and stormed out of the cabin, just barely managing to grab her duffel bag on the way out. She tried calling him while she rushed to the reception, but it didn’t surprise her that he didn’t pick up his phone.

The kind, young woman at the reception smiled when she first saw May, but that fell quickly as she took in the sight before her.

“Anything wrong, Ms. Melinda?”

“Did you see my partner here?”

“Oh, Mr. Phil?” The woman nodded and looked down at her computer screen, then nodding again. “He left here about an hour ago. He paid for everything.”

An hour ago? So he couldn’t be that far, probably wasn’t even off the island yet, unless he had called the team. No. He wouldn’t do that. They both knew Daisy would only allow him to get away once. If she saw him again, she wouldn’t let him go.

“Did he say where he was going?”

The woman shook her head. 

“Just said, someplace nice.”

Well that was very cryptic, but she guessed, in his dying state of mind, he had trouble coming up with a straight plan. She even briefly wondered what had caused him to do this in the first place, worry taking over from anger for a moment - what had caused him to run? Was he that afraid of showing people his weaknesses, even her?

But then anger settled back in again when her hand brushed over the note in her jacket pocket. He was an asshole if he thought she would let him go like that. 

“Thank you.”

“Good luck, Ms. Melinda.”

She was going to need it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your kind words! I sincerely hope I won't screw up the trust you put in me with the rest of the story!

“Have you seen this man?”

The attendant frowned at her, and she understood - they had probably seen about a hundred people just that morning, and she knew Phil wouldn’t necessarily stand out, him being the Average Joe that he is, but this person was her only hope at this point. 

“I think I might have. American?” May nodded in response, and the man began typing away on the computer, before looking at the picture again. “Phillip J. Coulson?”

Yes! Please, let this be the answer to her non-existent prayers!

“He left the island just now. Took a plane to Los Angeles.”

Los Angeles? Had he lost his goddamn mind?

“Okay. Book me on the next one.”

He pursed his lips while nodding, checking the screen again. 

“Next one is on Saturday.” And that was four days from today. 

She thanked him for his help and returned to the cabin, most of her anger having diminished by now, and she simply sank down onto the bed and just lay there for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling.

So, to recap: she had gone from cloud nine to worst nightmare in the timespan of about an hour, the love of her life abandoning her on this luxurious island that she hadn’t even wanted to visit in the first place but only visited to be with him, to kiss him and make love with him and make the best of what little time they had left together. He had definitely ruined most of it by leaving.

She realized, after almost an hour of internal debating, that the only option she had was call Daisy, even though she knew that would make matters even worse, but there was no way she was getting off this island anytime soon, not in the direction he had gone, anyway. 

To her credit, Daisy could definitely tell that May was angry and perhaps slightly devastated. It honestly still felt like he had stabbed her heart with a knife and left it there, parting from her like that, without a warning, without a goodbye. What if she would never see him again, what if he would die on board that aircraft and the last thing she would remember of him was how he had been last night, sweet and loving but definitely on the brink of death? She knew she wouldn’t see him in a better state, but she still kept hope.

“Are you okay?”

May just shook her head, knowing full well Daisy couldn’t see the movement, but the woman knew May almost as well as Phil knew her, so it wasn’t really a surprise that Daisy probably instantly assumed that she wasn’t okay.

“Is he…?”

“No. He, uh… he left.”

“What do you mean, he left?”

“He left. He took a plane to Los Angeles.”

“Wait, what?”

She would say that she could barely comprehend it herself, but then she’d read the note and knew what he was trying to pull, and even she didn't understand half of it.

“Why would he leave?”

“I know as much as you do.” Talking about the note would probably make her angry again, and that wouldn't help this at all.

“So now what?” Daisy asked after a while, probably having registered it all just now.

“I was hoping maybe we could stop him in Los Angeles. But I'm stuck here.”

“Don't you think if he doesn't want to be found, he'll make sure he's not found?”

“I'm not sure that he doesn't want to be found.” He just wanted to get away from her, is all. Which didn't sound good to anybody who hadn't read the note, so she wouldn't voice these thoughts.

“Okay. Well, we can definitely try to await him in Los Angeles.”

“Thank you.”

“May? Do you want me to come get you?”

Part of May wanted to stay here, in case he hadn't actually left, but she knew him and he never did things without finishing them. The only exception was coming here and spend his days with her. She would much rather spend her days trying to find him and be with him than wait for a miracle for him to come back automatically. She knew he wouldn’t.

“Yes.”

“Alright. We’re on our way.”

She wasn’t quite surprised when she fell asleep a little while later, holding on to the note as if for dear life, her last refuge from a cold and lonely existence.

 

~…~

 

She sat in the cockpit, not even flying, but this was the most familiar place she could probably be in, the only place where she didn’t feel like a stranger in her own body.

Throughout her life with Phil Coulson, she had gotten numerous looks at what her life would be like without him, but she had always thought she didn't need to think like that, had always had him by her side through most of her adult life, so this was new territory, even though she should have been prepared for this all along. Especially with the past few weeks. She guessed she had pushed his upcoming death to the background, with the way his lips moved against hers, his arms were wrapped tightly around her, his-

“Some water.”

She heard Daisy’s voice as if from a distance, even though she could feel the young woman was right beside her. It took May a while to refocus on her surroundings, her mind having already slipped into pleasant memories she had of him. At least she had that.

“Are you okay?”

May didn't grace that with an answer, knowing full well that Daisy could tell she wasn't doing alright.

“Did you at least enjoy some of your time together?” Daisy asked, probably just feeding her curiosity, and possibly knowing what May's reaction would be. May didn't grace that with an answer either, though, just stared at the young woman.

“Mack and Elena are at LAX to meet Coulson. I have control over the cameras in case they can't find him. We'll get him back.”

Daisy put a hand on May's upper arm and it did manage to make her feel a little better. But then she felt the edges of the note in her jacket pocket and anger flared up again.

She would definitely get him back. If only so she could kill him herself.

 

~...~

 

_ She awoke by gentle, loving fingers on her lips, a pleasant warmth in her lower belly and next to her on the bed, and when she tried to will herself to open her eyes, she heard that all too familiar chuckle seeping through her sleep. _

_ “Good morning,” he whispered, and she could hear the smile in his voice. She groaned and turned onto her side, not opening her eyes yet and finding his lips without much trouble. He didn't protest, wrapping his arms around her tightly to resume what they had been doing all night long. _

_ She even smiled, for a moment everything seemed alright - no, more than alright. Perfect. _

_ This was perfect. The man of her dreams, the one she had been in love with for a great many years, was finally in her arms, in her bed, kissing her and apparently being as much in love with her as she was with him. _

_ “Hmm,” he moaned as she pulled away, the corners of his lips turned up, those cute little lines next to his eyes proudly present.  _

_ She still remembered him as he was before, younger, his skin smooth and his eyes showing a confidence only those who hadn't lost nearly everything they loved could display. He had seemed… invincible. If only he had been. _

_ His hand brushed her sleep tousled hair out of her face and she opened her eyes. She was met by the man Phil Coulson was now, slammed down by life, most of his courage and determination drained. She wished she could go back in time and protect him from it all, give her own life so he could have been happier, but that was just a fantasy.  _

_ “You're worrying too much,” he whispered, kissing the tip of her nose. _

_ She glared at him, and he wasn't impressed. _

_ “You're dying,” she whispered, pushing away from him a little. He didn't let her pull away, pulling her even closer than she had been. _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I have all right to worry.” _

_ He nodded, knowing he couldn't counter her words. _

_ “And I regret not acting out on my feelings…  _ our _ feelings sooner, but looking ahead is the only thing we can do now. Even if our time is short… it's worth it. There's no place I would rather be than here with you.” _

_ She hated his guts sometimes, for all the stupid decisions he had ever made and would undoubtedly keep making, but he was right. _

_ If she only had one day with him, she would make damn sure it was the best day in her life. _


	3. Chapter 3

He hadn't shown up at LAX, and everybody was surprised, shocked, angry - May didn't feel anything anymore. Except for tired and slightly sick.

“I checked the passenger list,” Daisy started to ramble while pacing May's bunk. “He was definitely on there, full name, middle name, everything. Did you know his middle name is James? Who would have thought. Anyway, Mack and Yo-Yo have been on watch ever since the flight arrived and I've kept track of the cameras… there's no sign. Nothing. Are you sure he went to LA? I mean, of course you're sure, but do you think there might be another destination he went to? Maybe somebody picked him up to keep us off his track.”

May zoned out, knowing this was just Daisy thinking out loud, and nothing could keep her from doing so. Instead, May's thoughts returned to his note.

She had been relatively certain that there was a chance he wanted to be found, but with each passing moment, she realized more and more that she was probably wrong.

Maybe he did want to die alone. It seemed illogical, and he had broken multiple promises he had made to her during their time on the island, but everything about this situation was odd. 

_ “Phil?” _

_ He looked at her via the mirror, the edges still foggy after their long shower together, and he dipped his razor in the water-filled sink, ridding it of the shaving cream combined with his delicious three-day stubble. She had never known it could feel that good to have a growing beard rubbing against her inner thighs, even though she did have some subtle burns now. _

_ “Can you promise me something?” _

_ “Depends.” _

_ They remained silent for a little longer, her, sitting naked on the closed toilet seat, watching him shave and attend to his other nightly routines. She loved watching him like this - it had been a while since she had shared any domesticity with anyone, the last person had come accompanied with mostly discussions. (Andrew really did talk too much.) But she loved this intimacy with him, Phil Coulson, never having expected that they would ever get to this. Of course, she had hopes, but those never came true with her. _

_ He finished, splashing his face and applying his aftershave. Who was he kidding? He could pretend that this was normal, that they were living together in a cozy little family house with a white picket fence… maintaining his facial hair like that, looking at all the things they still had to fight together, it seemed arbitrary now. _

_ He stepped up to her and lifted her into his arms, for a moment maybe feigning strength and health, but she wasn't complaining per se. _

_ “Please don't leave me,” she whispered right before he was about to kiss her. “Please. Not again.” _

_ He nodded and kissed her neck, carrying her to the king-sized bed and laying her down gently. _

_ “I won't leave. I promise.” _

“May? Are you listening, May?”

She was ready to curse whoever was interrupting her memories, but found it was the only person who really still mattered to her, the one who had probably talked for minutes on end without any input from May and who hardly even noticed.

May shook her head, not even sure what she was disagreeing with.

“I, uh… I'm not quite sure whether he wants to be found.”

“What makes you think that?”

May just gave a miniscule shrug, which seemed enough for Daisy. Knowing she shouldn't be soldiering on alone, she reached into her jacket pocket and handed Daisy the note Phil had left.

Daisy read it, quickly gaining the same emotion May had felt when she had read it for the first time.

“The asshole! What the fuck! As though this will make you feel any better! Look at you, you basically died! I honestly thought better of him. May, now we'll definitely get him back, so I can personally kill him!”

Now May knew Phil had been right - Daisy was their daughter, and she would always fight to keep her parents happy. 

 

~...~

 

_ One week later _

Whenever the team wasn't trying to find a way to trace his steps, May was wrecking her brain herself trying to come up with possible hideouts he could be in. She had even called most of the Avengers, first having to explain that he was still alive, then posing the question nobody seemed to have an answer for: where is Phil Coulson? 

“Melinda, I wish I could help you-”

“It's Agent May.”

Maria Hill sighed on the other end of the phone, currently as fed up with May as May was with May - everything hurt, her head most of all, and she wondered if indeed part of her had died when he had left. 

“Melinda, all I know is that he tried to contact Stark, but stopped after the third try. Pepper tried ringing him back but she didn't get anything either.”

“He didn't leave a voicemail?”

“I would have told you if he had. Melinda, please rest. You sound exhausted.”

That's because she was - she hardly slept, the dreams frequently turning into nightmares, but she knew most nights she pulled an all nighter on her own volition, in the hopes that he might contact her, or at least the team.

“I'll let you know if he contacts us. I promise.”

Again, more promises. Nobody ever kept them. Phil had promised not to leave her, the team had promised to get him back, and now this?

She was too tired to argue, however.

“Good luck, Melinda,” Maria near whispered, sympathy in her voice, and ended the call. May just stared at the phone, as though intense staring would make it ring, his number show up, his voice coat her soul, fill her with love and strength and courage. 

She felt a hand on her shoulder, not necessarily to comfort her, she could feel, but also to guide her, pull her with.

“Let's get you into bed.”

May shook her head and pushed Daisy's hand off her shoulder.

“What if he calls?”

“We'll put our phones on sound. We'll hear it. Come.”

_ “Not without you. Come back to bed.” _

She had no other choice but to follow Daisy.

 

~...~

 

_ She had never been much of an advocate for post-coital cuddling, usually wanting to clean up afterwards most of the time, maybe get something to drink or eat. _

_ But with Phil, everything was different. With the perfect warmth their lovemaking had granted her still in her lower belly, all she wanted to do was disappear in his arms, go another round, kiss him, hold him, be with him. She loved him, everything about him, his arms which closed perfectly around her, the crook of his neck that was made for her head, his calloused yet still gentle hands holding onto her tightly, like he was as afraid as her to lose this, lose them. _

_ “Did you have dreams for the future?” When she didn't respond, slightly offended by that question, he started rambling again. “I'm sorry for asking that question, it's just, I want to know so I can try to make you happy. I mean, I know it will be difficult without me, but-” _

_ “Phil,” she interrupted him. “I just want to be with you.” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “I see the conundrum.” _

_ She looked at him, pushing away from his chest. _

_ “Phil, please take this seriously.” _

_ “I am, Melinda. I'm sorry if I show the impression of the opposite. I so wish I could be with you until your final days, that I could wake up next to you every single morning. I love you… I love you so much, I wish I was the one making you happy-” _

_ “But you are-” _

_ “Please let me finish. I have spent so many years watching you from a distance, supporting you, making sure you got what you well deserve. I tried so hard not to get in the way of that, not to be the one who you would end up with. I… I'm cursed, Melinda. I truly believe I am. I'm not meant to live a happy life… and I wanted to protect you from me. But with my attempts at removing myself from your life… I only fell harder for you. And I guess… you fell for me, too. And I so wish I could take it back, Melinda, not because I regret loving you, no, that's the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish I could… make it so you didn't fall in love with me, too. That I could protect you from the chaos that always follows me around, but… now I'm just selfish, reeling you in like I did, while it would have been more sensible to just leave. I… I'm sorry, Melinda.” _

_ His eyes had started watering halfway through that monologue, but he didn't let the emotions get to him, obviously wanting to have voiced these words so badly. She held onto his hand tightly. _

_ “I… I once had dreams of a family,” she started, her hold on him loosening as his arms wrapped around her instead. “I wanted the white picket fence and the kids and the family dog. I might have even sported some dreams of becoming a housewife, however weird that might sound. Just… a quiet, peaceful, civilian life. And then…” She pushed her eyes closed as memories of Bahrain threatened to resurface. Not now!  _

_ “Yeah,” he whispered, knowing what she was talking about, making sure she didn't have to think of it much. He was sweet like that. _

_ “Now, I just… it's probably too late for kids, and the white picket fence is just… the thing that would make me happiest of all is if I could be with you. Just you. Just us. I love us, and I love you… that's my plan for the future.” If they could even have that. The dark lines on his arms were telling her ‘no’. _

_ “Then… I'm even more sorry for what I did. Or didn't do.” _

He had possibly taken her last hope at a happy future with him, wherever he was, and he had known this all along. She hadn't kept it much of a secret anymore how much she loved him, how badly she just wanted to grow old with him. 

She hated his guts. But he was the only one she truly, deeply loved anymore. The only one who could set her straight.

Well, him and…

“May, you have to drink.”

“Stop treating me like a kid, Daisy.”

“Then stop acting like one.”

Daisy was just as infuriating as Phil.

And May realized, as she looked at Daisy who seemed to have chosen May's bunk of all places to declare her new office, that while she might never have had a child, was never pregnant, had never nursed a child or taught them their first steps… she was still a mother to someone.

Daisy had always joked about it, ‘Mom and Dad’ she had called her and Phil, but it was true. In a way, she had been there when Daisy had been born, shedding her protective cloak of Skye, who was innocent, naive and a little helpless, turning into Daisy, the strong and witty Inhuman.

It was odd. May had been the end for one Inhuman girl, lost, confused in her own skin, but she had been the start for another. Sure, she hadn't been the one teaching her about her powers, but she had taught Daisy about her  _ powers _ \- she was quick, thought like her enemy and defeated them using their weakness against them. That was all there within her, behind the Inhuman powers, and May had been the one bringing that out.

“Did you even sleep?”

“Is that a serious question?”

“I guess not.” Daisy took a sip of the water bottle she had brought for May. “You know, I'm just here to help you.”

“I don't need help.”

Daisy was quiet for a while then, and May knew it was a load of horseshit. She couldn't do this alone, she couldn't even sleep properly, everything hurt. But she had always done everything alone. 

Force of habit?

“Well, I'm still going to stick around.” Then, quieter, “I have nowhere else to be.”

Eventually, both grew tired, and even though it was two in the afternoon, they still slipped into sleep quite easily - May in her bed, Daisy curled up in the uncomfortable chaise in the corner of the room. 

Maybe she should start seeing Daisy for what she truly was - a worried daughter, trying to help her heartbroken mother.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because your kind words really made my day, I won't delay publishing the new chapter. Enjoy!

Daisy also had her nightmares, plagued by her very own traumas, and it awoke May from her restless nap when Daisy started talking in her sleep. Talking was maybe the wrong definition for what was happening - it sounded more like cries for help.

Rubbing her sleepiness away, she debated for a second whether she should follow her instincts, which were telling her to go to this young woman, who'd had her fair share of nightmare scenarios play out in front of her- 

She stopped thinking altogether when Daisy called out for her in her sleep, her voice small and helpless almost, and May rushed to her side (feeling light headed as she did because she hadn't had a lot to eat in the past week), putting a hand on the girl's arm. When that didn't do the trick, however, she carefully nudged her awake, not wanting to add to her fears.

“Daisy.”

Daisy shot up with a silent scream, her forehead damp, and it took a while for her to get her bearings. When she did, she looked at May directly.

“Coulson,” Daisy whispered. It registered immediately what she must mean, and May's heart broke instantly. She gingerly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, only causing Daisy to rush into her arms completely. “I dreamt of his death.”

And that was something May could relate to. It was the reason she didn't sleep anymore, hadn't slept properly in a week. His lifeless body kept flashing before her eyes.

May stood and pulled Daisy with her, and they sat on the bed for a few moments before May laid down and pulled Daisy into her arms.

It felt comfortable. Familiar, even though they had never done this before, had never sought out this kind of comfort before. But May realized, the only one whom she could hug like this was God knows where, and Daisy…

“I don't know how you do it May… I only let him go so he could be with you, that was the only condition. So I feel like he lied to me in a way. Like he broke a promise. But… it doesn't compare to what you must be feeling. And…” Daisy paused and took in a deep breath. She was still uncharacteristically emotional, at least, her voice was.

But, May didn't need sympathy. She needed somebody who could get him back, who was as dedicated as her. May had everything to lose when Phil would disappear. No matter how much Daisy liked to deny it, she had a lot to lose in this situation, too.

“I just focus on finding him.” Sort of. She would leave out that she was falling apart at the seams. 

“May?”

“Yes?”

“I love him. I mean, not like you love him. I, uh… I guess, I love him as my father. I know he's not. But… my actual father, he was kind of a disappointment. And Coulson… he's always been there for me. Even when I didn't want to. And… I've fought so long to find my dad… and I finally had him, and now he's gone. So… I will give anything to find him.”

“Thank you.”

“And May?”

“Daisy?”

“I'm worried about you. Maybe you should let Simmons check up on you.”

May shook her head and tightened her hold on Daisy.

“May.”

“What?”

“You're basically my mom… you know that, right?”

May nodded, her heart warming a little at the words.

It did her well to know that Daisy felt like this. Of course, it was one thing for May to feel like this, in the comfort and privacy of her own thoughts, and she would never voice them out loud, not really - but it was another thing entirely to hear Daisy say this, to put it out there. 

Daisy really was her daughter, and the feelings were mutual. 

“If… when... he dies… we'll have to stick together,” May started, brushing a hand through Daisy’s hair, feeling a wave of affection wash over her. “Uh… you're the only person who matters to me anymore.”

Then, they were silent again, arms wrapped around each other, hands reaching out sometimes to comfort.

It felt… a little odd, yet surprisingly good. They seemed to have realized that while Phil might be too far out of their reach, they still had each other.

“I love you, Daisy,” May whispered, the words breaking through her walls, the very walls she had built so carefully over the years to protect her heart. She had never meant to say them to anyone after Andrew had died, knowing that those words were only a curse to the people who heard them from her lips. But she longed for some normalcy, some love, kindness. She wanted to be close to somebody, like she hadn't been much lately.

“I love you, too.”

They fell asleep in each other's arms, for the first time in their years-long acquaintance finally giving in to the feelings that had been there all along. Perhaps Phil's disappearance had some positive sides?

 

~...~

 

_ “Hey, Melinda… I, uhm… I want to keep this short because Daisy will trace my location. But… I miss you. And I know it was my decision to leave, I just… wanted you to know that. I love you. I'm sorry for leaving.” _

“You could have woken us up!”

To their credit, the team did look somewhat guilty, ignoring May and Daisy's angry glances.

He had called May while they were asleep, and looking back at her pleasant dreams, she realized she had heard something resembling her ringtone, but she had preferred to stay in his arms, even though it were just her memories. When she had woken up, she had smiled at the sight of Daisy, no longer in her arms but not that far away from her, peacefully asleep.

But then she had checked her phone and the sort of peaceful feeling she'd had moments before was replaced by anger again. 

Would she ever stop being angry? Would she ever stop loving him?

“You were asleep,” Mack said, the only one who didn't look guilty. He had forced May once to take a nap, but she was not intimidated by him. “You both needed it.”

“Mack, I'm gonna kill you someday,” Daisy muttered, and standing so close to her, May could feel some vibrations coming off of her.

“We could have talked him into coming back,” May added.

“You really think so? ‘Cuz from what I've gathered, Coulson isn't coming back.”

Daisy protested and the team gave their own opinions, but everything faded for a few moments, their voices disappearing into the background.

He had called her. She had been asleep, but he couldn't have known that. He had taken the time in his bizarre plan to call her, he had wanted to talk to her. 

It lit up some hope in her lower belly again. Perhaps he did want to return.

“May?”

The voices were getting further and further away.

“May!”

Then, it went dark all around her.

 

~...~

 

“You need to sleep more.”

The surprise.

“And drink more water.”

What's new?

“And are you taking your vitamins?”

“Jemma, I'm fine.”

“You don't look fine.”

“But I am fine.”

“Okay, then let me just run some tests to rule out anything-”

“Jemma, please rest.”

Jemma frowned and looked at her clipboard, frowning even deeper. It looked almost as though she was personally offended by telling her to rest, as though May hadn't seen that Jemma was doing badly as well.

Phil disappearing had been good for the team, in a way. They had been so focused on getting Fitz back, which would have been a better target, but Jemma had argued that Fitz would still be there in the ice, somewhere. They still had some time to get him. Phil, however, well - his days were numbered. 

“Daisy is worried about you,” Jemma said, looking up at her and lowering her clipboard. “ _ I  _ am worried about you. May, I know what this feels like… unfortunately. But I also know that we need to keep going and take good care of ourselves.”

May just looked away, not wanting to admit that, of course, Jemma was definitely right.

“We don't want to lose you, too, you know. If you want, I can help set up a schedule. We can eat together?”

“I'm not a child.”

“No, I know. But… I just want to help you. As… friends?”

They were friends? Jemma looked so sincere, too, and May wondered if she had really acted so out of bounds to worry  _ everybody _ . 

But of course they were friends. She should be ashamed for thinking that they were anything less. It might have started as coworkers, because of course, that was what they were, but after having been through multiple near death experiences, losing friends, family, their freedom, they could only be friends. Well, maybe a family, with Phil and her as the bickering parents, Mack as the cool uncle with his arm-candy girlfriend Elena (who, as an added bonus, could knock down men twice her size), and Fitzsimmons and Daisy as the stubborn, brave kids who had grown into strong and capable agents. If only that still meant something.

“Will you allow me to run some tests?”

“I can't stop you if you do.”

“True.” Jemma smiled briefly at that. “But I don't want any broken bones.”

May returned Jemma's smile, then sighed and sat down, rolling up her sleeves.

“Alright, Agent May, this will only hurt a little.”

“Please. Call me Melinda.”

Jemma smiled brighter and got to work.

May realized that she wasn't completely alone.

 

~...~

 

_ “I never really thought about it before,” May started, running her hands through his short hair while his head rested in her lap. He had his eyes closed in bliss, which made her smile. He was so good in showing her how she made him feel, and just some simple smiles warmed her cold soul.  _

_ “About what?” _

_ “That Daisy is basically our daughter.” _

_ He opened just one eye and looked up at her with a frown. _

_ “Seriously?” _

_ She frowned back at him, removing her hands from his head. One of his hands came up to hold hers, his thumb rubbing the top of it. She looked at where they were joined. _

_ She chuckled almost nervously. “What?” _

_ “Throughout all these years, that thought has never crossed your mind?” _

_ “No?” _

_ “She even called us Mom and Dad.” _

_ “As a joke.” _

_ He raised another eyebrow and the sight was quite hilarious.  _

_ “Melinda,” he started, a little more seriously this time, “I've said it before. Daisy is as close a daughter as I'll ever have. I guess I always knew that I wouldn't have a child. And I couldn't have imagined when I first met Daisy, that she would become what she is to me now. The same applies to Fitzsimmons, I guess. And for all the years we've pretended not to feel anything for each other, I think when it came to our kids, we didn't do such a bad job.” _

_ She smiled and rolled her eyes, knowing he was right. He sat up straight and pulled her in for a kiss. _

_ “Hey. There's nobody I would rather have three stubborn kids with than you.” _

_ It was a cliche of course, but he oftentimes was. And perhaps that was why she loved him so much. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so there's a bit of adult talk in this chapter, but nothing too explicit. But after all, May and Coulson are definitely having sex on Tahiti and they are definitely into each other and no one can convince me otherwise.

Daisy entered the room with two water bottles tucked between her arm and side, her hands occupied with her phone too much for her eyes to notice she almost ran into May's bed.

“So, unsurprisingly, I was unable to track his location from the voicemail. Tried calling back but I think he might have actually deactivated his number. I had a BOLO put out, just in case.”

“Daisy?”

It was the first time since she had come into the room that Daisy looked up and met May's eyes. She dropped the two bottles on the bed and sat down herself, taking a few sips of the water.

“I think we have to stop looking.”

Daisy's eyes opened wide and she actually dropped her phone, which was quite a feat.

“You're kidding me, right? You must be joking.”

“I'm not joking.”

“May! We can't just let him get away like this! Remember how he betrayed you! Me, us, all of us!”

“I know.”

She didn't say anything else to counter Daisy's words - she was right. She should fight for the rest of her life to find him, dead or alive. He was the man she was in love with, still, after everything he had done to hurt her. 

But at the same time, she knew he was as much a superspy as them, and he was a pro at staying in the shadows. She wanted him back, but she was not interested in a cat-and-mouse game. She was too tired for that.

“Are you sure you're alright, May?” Daisy asked, serious now, her shock and anger from before having faded.

May shook her head and leaned back against the wall, her eyes closed.

“I… I can't do anything without him. I feel so useless. I wish I was stronger… I wish I could be what I've been for so long.” A statue. “But he changed everything. I feel so… so much. But it hurts every single day to chase after him, knowing he doesn't want me to find him. I… I can't do it anymore.”

“Okay. So then you'll stop. But we'll keep going. I know we will find him eventually. We're so close, May.”

“I won't stop you.”

Daisy nodded and they looked at each other for a while. 

She wanted to say that now that Phil was gone, Daisy meant the whole world to her, but she would be lying. 

Over the years, Daisy had grown into one of the most important people in May's life, even though the mere image of Daisy had irked May in the beginning. Daisy was an accident waiting to happen, and then she'd gotten her powers and it had terrified May to no end. She could never forget what had happened to the last Inhuman girl that she had crossed paths with.

But Daisy was different. Or maybe, May was different. She had stepped in and had protected Daisy, until inevitably someone more skilled had come along to deal with the situation. But May still felt like she had improved in that situation, and perhaps her heart felt like it had saved Katya, too, in protecting Daisy she had overcome at least some of her heartache. 

“Be careful,” May whispered. She couldn't lose Daisy, too. She would simply cease to exist. 

Daisy nodded and hugged May briefly, their new type of relationship becoming more and more familiar. 

“I'll get him back,” Daisy responded. “I promise.”

It was the only promise she still believed.

 

~...~

 

_ One week later _

The entire team had gone on a mission, claiming it wasn't Phil Coulson related, but May wasn't stupid of course. It was just that she didn't have any energy to fight them on it - Daisy had promised to be careful, and to keep the team safe, too, and May just had to trust that.

She didn't really bother changing out of her PJ's (really, just one of his T-shirts and a pair of baggy sweatpants) when she got out of bed to get some tea. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, she realized, that everybody was out. Now, she had to do more things herself, something she hadn't done since the team had picked her up from Tahiti. 

Her favorite tea was out, but she wasn't going to run to the store and get it. That was too much work for just some tea. She almost huffed at her own thoughts.

Just some tea.

_ “Is there any way I can convince you to drink coffee?” _

_ She was actually offended at his question, but then she looked up at him and saw a smile on his lips. _

_ “Phil Coulson,” she started, continuing making her tea. He often claimed that she had a specific ritual for preparing the beverage, but she didn't agree. It were just the same steps every single time, knowing that that would bring out the best in the tea and subsequently, in her. “You should know by now that I'll never, ever, drink coffee.” _

_ “A person's appetite changes after seven years. You know that, right?” _

_ “I guess that's true.” She smiled and turned to him, leaning against the counter and blowing the steam away from her cup. “Seven years ago, I drank green tea instead.” _

_ He seemed almost surprised at her joke, then threw his head back a little and slamming his hands on the table. “Ha ha.” _

_ She chuckled at his reaction but wasn't bothered otherwise. He was smiling when he lifted his own cup to his lips. Coffee. Ugh. He would never learn. _

_ They held a comfortable silence while they drank their preferred hot beverages, and she had taken a seat beside him eventually, their arms touching, and it was… perfect. She had realized it before, but there was just something really satisfying about being with him and not having to look over their shoulders, protect each other from any outside interference. She even found that she forgot about his impending death sometimes, being in his arms, having his kisses warm her bones. _

_ He leaned in to kiss her when he was finished, but she stopped him with a single finger on his lips. _

_ “Uh-uh. I'm not kissing you with that disgusting coffee taste on your lips.” _

_ “Oh, but you'll kiss me after I've gone down on you?” _

_ She felt a blush begin in her neck but forced it down as much she could. _

_ “That's not the same. I don't taste like coffee.” _

_ “No,” he said, smiling and pulling her close by her hair, not using much force but enough to lure her in. “Much, much better.” _

_ She didn't even roll her eyes when he leaned in and kissed her. She didn't stop him either. _

_ Hmm. She guessed on his lips, she didn't even mind the bitter taste of coffee. _

She abandoned her tea for a moment while she rushed out of the kitchen, feeling grief and nausea build up in her stomach. She had to bend over to prevent herself from hyperventilating. 

She had to be able to take care of herself. Nobody was here to look after her.

Dammit, Phillip J. Coulson. Why won't you just come back?

She picked up her tea, forcing down the memories while they threatened to resurface, and strolled through base, her feet dragging on the ground. She walked past the lab, well, what was supposed to be a lab. She saw several machines whirring, tests running in the background. Jemma was still a damn good scientist, even though the entire universe was working against her. Of course, Fitz had helped her build up at least half of what was currently in this room, but she still bothered enough to use it all.

May's attention was caught by some test results that were popping up on a computer screen. She looked around to see if there was anyone to respond to it, but then decided that she was still definitely alone. She placed her cup of lukewarm tea on a desk behind her (she had found she was quite clumsy these days) and sat down on the chair in front of the computer.

She wasn't entirely sure what all the results meant, and was still glad she had chosen Operations back in the day, but one word did jump out to her.

Pregnant. 

Wait… pregnant? Someone was pregnant? It didn't say a name anywhere, and she was about to click on it when her ringtone sounded from the pockets of her sweatpants. She jumped up and answered her phone, almost dropping it in her haste.

“May.”

“Hey!” came Daisy's voice, obviously trying to be enthusiastic but toning down before she would get a scolding. “Uh, good news and bad news. Which one first?”

“Bad news.”

“We didn't find him. Yet. But the good news is that he was checked into a hotel two days in a row. He's getting reckless, or he wants us to find him.”

May doubted it, but Daisy's hope was almost contagious. She still saw that one word on the screen, not knowing what to do with that information. 

May reached behind her and continued her tea, which was far beyond lukewarm now. She almost cringed when she took a sip.

“I'm dropping by the store on our way back to base. Anything I can get you?”

“Yeah. Green tea.”

She almost heard Daisy smile on the other end of the call. 

“Alright. See you in a while.”

She smiled and ended the call. She forgot all about the results as she went to ditch her tea in the kitchen sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think next chapter will come as a surprise to most of you...


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, May is pretty clueless but y'all figured it out! Kudos! Also, this chapter might be the most important so far but also the one where I mess up the entire story... but I'll leave that for you to decide! (Spoiler alert: May finally gets to talk to Coulson.)

“Riiiight,” the typical, familiar British voice appeared before Jemma's face did, turning around the corner with two cups in her hands. “Daisy told me you preferred green tea over Rooibos.”

May just glared at her as Jemma settled in on the chair next to the bed. She seemed almost unimpressed by May's facial expressions, or lack thereof, but she did stop her cheery words.

“Why are you here, Jemma?”

“Can't I just check up on you?”

“Of course.” May looked at the cups of tea that she had placed on the nightstand. “You don't generally bring tea when you do.”

Jemma seemed to have realized May saw right through her facade and leaned back in her chair.

“I wanted to discuss some test results that I've received.” May's heart jumped a little. “After I ran your tests, I decided to check up on everybody, just to be sure. I didn't expect to actually find anything, or well, I hoped I wouldn't. But-”

“Is somebody sick?”

“What? Oh, no! No, far from it, actually.” She lifted her hips so she could get something out of the backpockets of her jeans. She placed the crumpled up folder on the bed beside May.

It were the results she had seen hours before, flashing before her on the computer screen. Still, there was no name, just some values that she didn't understand the meaning of and that one word: pregnant.

“I, uhm… didn't know how to tell you.”

May studied Jemma's face. It was obvious now.

“You're pregnant,” May stated, feeling her face soften slightly. It wasn't the best of circumstances but Jemma would manage. No matter what, May would be there for her, as well as the rest of the team, surely.

“What?”

“I'll be there with you,” May said, reaching out and covering Jemma's hand with her own while holding onto her cup of tea with the other. May didn't pride herself on being good in handling emotions, but she was learning.

“No. May.” Jemma shook off May's hand and picked up the folder, opening it completely.

Suddenly, May was met by her own name in capital letters at the top of the sheet.

Melinda May.

Pregnant.

Her cup fell to the ground with an earth-shattering clatter, breaking what was left of her fragile heart into tiny pieces.

“There are still options,” Jemma quickly said, closing the folder and putting her hand on May's. She was shaking, Jemma was controlled, like May always had been but couldn't find anywhere within her.

The words were reverberating in her head, each time louder than the one before.

Pregnant.

No.

She was  _pregnant_.

“This can't-” Her voice broke and she didn't say anything after that.

This was a cruel prank. A nightmare. She would lay down in bed and she would wake up and she would be back to her miserable life like it had been that morning, cold without him by her side, but grateful she still had Daisy and the team by her side.

“May?”

May simply sank down onto her bed, her back turned towards Jemma.

_Please, Phil. Please come back. I can't do this anymore._

 

~...~

 

She had been on the road to recovery, for as much that was possible while missing him dearly. But then she had found out she was pregnant, and everything had come crashing down around her. Not even Daisy, who had been a massive support in these days, could manage to comfort her.

The memories were fading. Whereas she'd drawn a massive comfort from his lasting presence in the beginning, even just in her dreams, they were nowhere to be found. It would do her so well to be in his arms again, to remember how they closed around her like a blanket, or a fortress at times, shielding her from danger they both knew she was fully capable of fending off herself.

May had attempted to call Phil, for the first time since leaving Tahiti. She had known he wouldn't pick up and therefore hadn't bothered, but a tiny part within her still held hope - and if he would pick up, she would find the strength to carry on. Even if he would sound like shit.

But he didn't pick up. Not even her name was enough for him to answer his phone.

And May barely had enough energy left within her to breathe.

“You need to drink,” May heard Daisy's voice behind her, almost a whisper, mindful of May's current state of mind. Daisy was empathetic like that, or maybe she just wanted to prevent a beating. Not that May had any fight left within her. “Especially…”

Daisy didn't finish that sentence, knowing she had overstepped a line. Nobody dared to bring up the elephant in the room, afraid she would shut down completely. And May knew that she was being unreasonable, knew Daisy half depended on her, as a mother, a friend, but she couldn't even save herself.

“I'm so sorry, May,” Daisy whispered, so softly May could barely hear it. She was the first and only one who didn't congratulate her, some hadn't said anything, but others had been stupid enough to  _congratulate_ her.

There was nothing good about this situation. She was pregnant, and Phil was God knows where living out his last days without her.

“I know you always wanted to be a mother.”

“Daisy?” May croaked, her voice barely discernible.

“Yes?”

“Please leave.”

“Alright.” Daisy didn't miss a beat, and May heard Daisy place something on the nightstand before doing as May had told her.

Everything hurt. Not just physically, but mentally, too. Was it possible to die of anger? Of grief? Because she was certain she was headed that way.

Jemma had cleared her, she was perfectly healthy, and yet somehow it didn't feel like that. It felt like her insides were beating each other up, her brain shut down, her heart ripped right out of her chest. She didn't know she could feel like this, not even after Andrew had she felt this way, like there was nowhere left to go, no breath that seemed useful to take. Andrew and her had barely been what they had been before, even before he turned into Lash - she had known her future didn't lie with him anymore.

But Phil… even though she had known he was dying, part of her had made expectations for the future, and they weren't even big ones. Just him greeting her when she entered their little home, smiling at her and kissing her sweetly - it would be enough. More than enough.

When she turned onto her side, her eyes landed on the nightstand, and found Daisy's phone there, the one thing the young woman couldn't live without, which made May be on immediate alert.

Her shoulder protested when she reached for the phone, and easily unlocked it. Daisy was a pro in hacking softwares and security measures, but she made a big point of allowing everybody to look into her phone, should they want to. They didn't have many secrets for each other these days.

She was met by an unfamiliar number, but despite not knowing it, she felt the sudden urge to dial it. Maybe one shard of her broken heart was making unrealistic plans for the future.

After several rings, it was answered, but no voice came, not even a breath to show her who it could be.

Her heart was beating frantically in her chest.

“Melinda?”

She doubled over in shock and relief, everything washing over her at once, and her vision nearly went black for a moment.

No! She could finally hear his voice! She couldn't waste this opportunity.

“Phil,” she breathed, not allowing herself to say more. If she did, she was certain she would call him all the bad names she knew in both English and Mandarin, would curse him, yell at him, tell him she was pregnant-

She shut her mouth instantly. She couldn't tell him yet. Maybe she could never tell him. She wasn't even certain if she would ever see him again, so burdening him with this news seemed… unfair. Even though he had hurt her immensely by leaving, she could never do that to him.

“Man, it's so good to hear your voice,” she heard him say, his voice smaller than she remembered from the last time they had seen each other plus the voicemail he had left. “Daisy said there was an emergency?”

 _An_   _emergency_. That was an understatement.

May looked down at her belly, too early yet to be even slightly swollen, but still the main subject of her nightmares, and something she couldn't put upon him, no matter how much she needed him. If he would ever return, it needed to be because of her, them, because he was healthy again - not this, a mere glimpse at a future together, while he was still dying a slow death.

“Melinda?” he asked again, his voice a little louder now. She shook her head and focused on anything but her belly.

“I miss you,” she whispered. It was the only thing she could say in that moment, the only thing at all. She had rehearsed this conversation in her head so many times - she would yell at him, make him realize the pain he had caused, and then tell him that she loved him and wanted him to come back.

Where were those words now? Where was the Melinda May who didn't accept any shit, who stood up for herself and the people she loved?

She realized she must have left her in Tahiti, the morning he had left her life had marked the death of Melinda May.

“I hate you so much,” she continued, unable to raise her voice to anything louder than whispering. “I can't believe you left.”

“I'm sorry, Melinda.”

They were silent for an impossible amount of time, and while they had always been able to hold comfortable, nice silences, this was anything but. Words kept bubbling up but she swallowed them down.

“Will you ever come back?”

“I'm, uh, not sure.”

She dropped the phone and looked at where it bounced on the bed, landing somewhere close to her pillow.

How could he do this to her? Had she really been that wrong and naive to put her trust in him? Her love? She hadn't loved many people like this, filling her soul with dreams of the future, even though she knew it was stupid and way too far out of reach.

She just wanted him close. She'd had him by her side for so long, and even while they had ignored their feelings, he had been a constant force in her life. Now, he was gone, and she was falling apart.

The only reason she had been strong at all was because Phil Coulson had been by her side, and she would have done anything to protect him.

“Melinda?” she heard from the phone, and she lay down beside it, feeling tears roll down the sides of her face. Stupid, stupid Melinda May. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

Shit. She would have a child before the end of the year, his child,  _their_  child.

“Are you alright?”

“No, Phil, I'm not alright.” Anger took the reins from there as she picked up the phone and clutched it tightly in her hands. “You promised me you would stay. You looked into my eyes and you told me you wouldn't leave. You lied. I… I showed my vulnerable side to you there, hoping you… you wouldn't betray me. And now I'm here… all alone, with just your fucking empty promises keeping me company and dammit Phil! I trusted you! I knew what I had signed up for when I came with you! I knew I would be watching you die but it was the only thing I could have, and now you took even that away from me! I put all my trust in you, everything I had left, and you just crushed it!”

“Melinda-”

“I'm here and I have to pick up the pieces you left me with and it's just like it's always been. Is it worth it, Coulson? Dying all alone, nobody to keep you company?”

“Mel-”

“No. You know what? Never mind. You're right. Maybe it's better like this. I'll never put my trust in you again, you might have done me a favor like that.”

“Hey, wait-”

She ended the call, throwing the phone against the nearest wall while angry tears ran down her face.

She had loved him so much, had trusted him more than anything or anyone, ever, would have given her soul if it meant that he would be safe - but that love was nowhere to be found now, he had skillfully crushed her heart, or what was left of it.

Daisy stepped into the room after having heard something slam against the walls, and then her eyes landed on May.

“Oh my god! May, what happened?!”

But instead of accepting Daisy's arms around her, May just pushed the girl out of the way while she pulled out her duffel bag from underneath the bed, stuffing what she had left inside.

“May!”

Yet Daisy didn't stop her, knowing that it would result in some fighting, and she knew she would still lose.

“Where are you going, May?”

She didn't even know herself, but there was nothing left for May after Phil's betrayal, nothing at all. When she looked at Daisy's worried face after she had finished packing, for a moment she thought of staying - Daisy needed her, but May had to choose for herself for once in her life.

“Don't do anything stupid, okay? So he's a dick, but we still have each other, right? We can take care of your baby together.”

“I love you, Daisy.”

With that, she left the room and the base, not knowing where she was going, but knowing she needed to leave here, needed air, needed space.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I’ve been MIA, y’know, Christmas and everything. Merry belated Christmas and I hope I haven’t lost you entirely. This chapter, spoiler alert, is from Coulson’s POV and starts explaining a little why he left.

_ Two days later _

“I still can't believe you let her go like that,” Yo-Yo muttered, popping another peanut in her mouth. 

“What was I supposed to do? Fight her? She might be pregnant and heartbroken but I'll still lose.”

Everybody sighed and leaned back into their seats, looking at the broken phone May had left behind.  

Daisy wanted to pretend that her broken phone hurt her the most in this situation, but she was lying. She felt slightly betrayed by May, like May had felt after Coulson had left, but she understood why she had left, unlike Coulson. 

“I'll kill him if he ever shows his face.”

That was a sentiment everybody could get behind.

She still couldn’t really believe that May was actually pregnant. Sure, she knew that while on Tahiti, May and Coulson had been, well… and she knew how those things worked. But she had always pegged both of them to be more careful and planning ahead - but then, she realized, they had been waiting for that moment for what must have been decades, and she couldn’t quite imagine what that must feel like. To be working alongside the person you loved so much, was so much in love with, but to never be able to admit your feelings, to act upon them? It must be a nightmare.

Much like May being pregnant, it seemed. Daisy knew May had always wanted to have children, as did Coulson, but Daisy guessed May would have preferred to have reversed this, in these circumstances. She really hoped that May wouldn’t do anything stupid.

There was a commotion coming from the base's entrance, and they all jumped up to find out what it was.

Of course.

Phil Coulson.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Mack muttered, everybody quiet until all hell broke loose.

Daisy acted on instinct. The moment her eyes landed on his stupid face, her hands came up to punch him, hard, making his head rear back and his hands come up to cover his face. Daisy saw she wasn't the only one giving in to her anger, folders flying through the air and insults, in multiple languages, hitting him maybe even harder than her fist had.

But when Phil Coulson looked Daisy in the eyes, she felt her anger fall from her shoulders and worry kick in. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him into May's room, the first thing she could think of doing. The insults turned towards her, until she closed the door and it was silent. 

There was blood coming from his nose, dripping onto his light blue shirt, but it appeared he wasn't bothered by that. He looked around, recognizing this room as May's, and their eyes met again.

“Where is she?”

“She left. After your phone call.”

Something flashed through his eyes, regret maybe, sadness. It was very similar to May's state of mind while she had wasted away.

These two would kill her one day.

“I'm sorry for hurting you, Daisy.”

“You should be telling May.”

“And I plan on doing so.”

“What the fuck were you even thinking? She almost fell apart here, Coulson. She's-” She swallowed the words at the last moment. It was not up to her to tell him. “You should have handled it better.”

“You're right.”

She sighed and pushed him back a little.

“God fucking damnit, you make my blood boil.”

“Do you have any idea where she went?”

Daisy shook her head and crossed her arms. 

“I'm so mad at you, Coulson.”

“You should be.”

She looked at him, and saw that while he might be sad and angry and worried, physically he looked… quite well. 

“What did you do?”

“It's, uh… a long story.”

“Short version?”

“I found a cure. It might still be over soon, but… I get some more time.”

“How?”

He shook his head and turned around, taking in the sight of the room - it was a mess, May in all her anger had pushed a chair to the floor, one of his shirts was thrown into a corner. Daisy knew May would have ripped it to bits if Daisy hadn't stopped her. 

“I messed up,” he said. 

Daisy almost laughed. That was the understatement of the year.

She thought back to May, after having found out she was pregnant and still very much alone. Daisy felt really bad for May, as anyone would, and really had hoped she could find a way to track him down and return him to her. If only so they could register the news of their upcoming parenthood together.

Daisy wanted to hit him again, remembering how horrible May had looked, completely unlike herself.

“Something tells me that she hasn't completely shut you out.”

“Do you know where she went?”

“I would have told you if I did.”

He walked around the room in silence, touching the surface of the table, until his eyes landed on the crumpled up folder on the table.

Daisy thought of pulling it away from his hands, but this was all May - she had left it out there, and while she couldn't have known that Coulson would show up eventually, leaving the folder out in the open made the results available for anyone to read.

He sat down while he read the information displayed in front of him. She watched his face for any reaction, but he remained eerily emotionless. He resembled May, in a way.

Eventually, he lowered the folder as well as his head and covered his face with his hands.

“Oh my god.” He shook his head. “Will she ever take me back?”

“There's only one way to find out.”

He nodded and got up, the sadness, albeit slightly, replaced with determination. 

If only he had displayed this just a mere two days ago, if only he had shown up sooner. If only she had hacked into his hotel room's TV sooner to coax him into giving her his number. If only he hadn't been a coward and left.

Daisy guessed she would never forgive him for making her mother feel like she had.

 

~...~

 

_ That fateful morning _

Something inside him was itching. Pulling on his heartstrings. 

Looking at Melinda May, asleep in their bed, he suddenly knew he couldn't settle for this stupid death he was supposed to be subjected to. She told him she loved him and his brain made impossible dreams for the future - seeing her smile every single day after he had kissed her, waking up beside her…

He gently removed her arms from around him, certain she would wake, but she simply scrunched her nose (why was that so adorable on this woman?) and rolled over.

He reached for his phone and dialed that familiar number, the one he hadn't called in years and quite frankly only reserved for emergencies. He looked over his shoulder at her sleeping form - this was an emergency. 

“I don't know who this is, but I swear to god-”

“Nick.”

The voice stopped and it remained silent for nearly a minute. With any other person, Coulson would have worried if they were still there, but he knew this man probably too well.

“Coulson. Do I need to whoop your ass for calling this very private number?”

“I need your help.”

“Yeah, I figured that much.”

They were quiet again, and Coulson took the opportunity to peer into the bedroom, seeing Melinda was still asleep. Somehow, his heart kept making somersaults whenever he laid eyes on her. 

“Start explaining, Coulson. I don’t have all day.”

“I’m dying. Your efforts to revive me… well, they have been reversed. And I was fine with it, at first, but… something changed.” Melinda stirred and he had to turn around so he wouldn’t climb into bed with her. 

He didn’t explain any further, but Nick Fury knew Coulson well, too, and so it wasn’t a complete surprise when Fury continued their conversation.

“Three fucking decades. It was about time.”

It was true, but he didn’t have time to be reprimanded by his coworker-turned-supervisor for his love life, or lack thereof - he was on a mission. 

“I used up every goddamn favor I still owned to revive you the first time. What makes you think I can pull this off a second time?”

“Because I’m still alive.”

Again, silence. But Fury’s attempts to make people nervous didn’t work on Coulson - he had many years of experience with multiple people trying this very thing on him. 

“You got me there. I’ll see what I can do.”

He hung up without allowing Coulson to say anything, and he sighed and rubbed his forehead. There had to be something. The universe couldn’t possibly be so cruel that they would give him what he had always wanted, and then take it away from him mere moments later. Right?

Fury called him back within minutes, right when Coulson was about to slip under the covers again and wrap his arms around Melinda. He rushed back into the bathroom to answer the phone.

“I might have something for you. Come meet me at the airport in thirty minutes.”

“What airport?”

“The  _ airport _ , Coulson. Jesus christ. What airport(!).”

While he was registering how Fury could ever be at the airport of Tahiti in such a short period of time, he suddenly realized something else that was more pressing.

“Thirty minutes? But what about-”

But the line was already dead. 

He walked back into the bedroom, seeing Melinda still peacefully asleep. Thirty minutes. He had thirty minutes to wake her up and bring her with him. But the longer he looked at her, the more he realized that she needed her sleep, and he didn’t know if he would be going somewhere safe, and he wanted her to be safe and warm and well-rested.

But he knew that was a dick move, so he started packing her bag, looking at her every other second, even taking a shower to clear his head, until with a heavy heart he saw that he only had ten minutes to get to the airport, which was a fifteen minute drive. He looked at one of her shirts which he was was stuffing inside her bag, then at her - and he realized he was faced with the most difficult decision he’d had to make in his life, ever.

He could either spend more time with her on this island, knowing that he would die soon, but at least he could be with her; or he had to part from her now, not certain whether he would live but being able to fight for a future for them, for her.

And then realized with an even heavier heart that he only had one chance. If he wanted to grow old with her, he had to part from her now. He knew she would never forgive him, knew he might be throwing away their chances together, but he had to try nonetheless.

He threw her bag into the corner of the room and searched hastily for a piece of paper, anything, to explain why he was gone and that he loved her. She deserved that at least. Even though he wouldn’t explain where he was going - she would be stupid enough to come after him. 

By the end, he was crying - dammit, he should take her with him, but he had no idea where he was going, no idea at all, and above anything else, he had to protect her. From him, but also from herself. Because he knew she would do anything for him, even sacrificing her own life, but if he couldn’t live to the ripe old age of ninety, he had to make sure that she could. Because she deserved life, more than anyone else he had ever known and loved. She deserved to live, to love, to be a mother to Daisy and a leader to the team.

_ “I’m just having a hard enough time leaving you behind.” _

He kissed her cheek one final time, whispered words of love that he hoped would show up in her dreams somewhere, and went out the door without looking back.

He knew he would stay if he looked at her.

Fury frowned when Coulson stepped into the Quinjet - it was worn down, probably one he had ‘borrowed’ from SHIELD back when he still had complete control over the organization. 

“Don’t start,” Coulson murmured, wiping away his tears and throwing his own duffel bag onto an empty jumpseat. 

Fuck. He hated himself. 

Melinda May would kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But let’s be honest, he is an ass. Unfortunately, I can see him do this. I swear, there’s a happy end to this story. *shrug*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter because otherwise they would have been two very short ones. Hope you’ll enjoy! Also, The Reunion. Just saying.

_ Later that day _

The people who were helping him were kind enough to wipe away his tracks, even though a big part of him wanted somebody of the team to find him. Daisy was smart enough, and it surprised him that she hadn’t found him yet. He must have vanished from the earth completely.

His stomach hurt but he wouldn’t give it much thought. He knew if they checked him up, they wouldn’t find anything - it was simply his guilt playing tricks with his mind, his own stupidness killing him from the inside. 

He should have taken her with him. He could have carried her into the plane himself while she was still asleep, she wouldn’t have noticed a thing until she would wake up. She would have yelled at him for making this decision without him but she would have understood and she would have fought alongside him, like she always had done, like she shouldn’t have done. This stupid thing just confirmed the fact that she was too nice on him, protected and aided him too much. 

He twirled his phone on the table, his heart telling him he should call her but his brain telling him he should not. He was already gone, there was no changing that. He briefly wondered if she had already woken up, and knew she would be angry as hell right now. 

Someone reached over and took his phone. Instinctively, he reached for them to regain possession over it.

“I’m afraid I need to take your phone, Agent Coulson. We need absolute discretion.”

“Where are we going anyway?”

“All will be revealed.”

He saw the phone was ringing, recognized Daisy’s picture instantly even from this distance - it wasn’t the first phone call he’d received since he’d left, but it was the first one that really pulled on his heartstrings. Dammit. He needed to take that! He needed to make sure that everybody was still okay! Especially Daisy. Especially…

“You asked for my help, you’re getting it.”

Coulson nodded but lowered his face. Dammit. This was so hard. He felt like his heart was still with Melinda, and he knew… she wouldn’t give it back so easily. He had made so many promises not to leave her and he still had. 

This plan better be worth it.

 

~...~

 

A week had gone by, and while the people around him confirmed he was making progress, he felt like he had died. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, every time he drifted off he saw Melinda’s face before him, anger and betrayal and hate shown in those beautiful features. He wished he could turn back time. He wished he could have taken her with him. He simply hoped he would be able to set things right with her once he would come back all healthy again.

He had found his phone while he had roamed the cold, white halls, and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from calling her. His heart sank when it went to voicemail, but it was lifted only briefly by her voice in his ear, telling him to leave a message.

_ “Hey, Melinda… I, uhm… I want to keep this short because Daisy will trace my location. But… I miss you. And I know it was my decision to leave, I just… wanted you to know that. I love you. I'm sorry for leaving.” _

Another week went by and he was basically dead, even though his vitals were telling a different story. He looked at the test results and for the first time, the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He didn’t feel like it. He felt like throwing up any minute now. He was nothing without her, nothing at all, just an empty shell running on whatever life juice they had given him here. 

He would do anything to see her face one more time. Hear her voice, even if it was screaming at him, scolding him, he would take any sign of life from her side. He wanted to know that his betrayal hadn’t killed her. 

Fury’s people released him eventually, and he was dropped in a hotel room in an undisclosed location. He had no idea what they had done to him, with him, but aside from his heartache and guilt, he knew he felt… healthy. 

They had briefly explained that they had set out a trail for anybody who was looking for him, so they wouldn’t find his real location, and he was certain that they had wiped his memory at some point in time because he had no idea where he had been all those weeks. But it didn’t matter. He was on a mission now. 

He bought a payphone and dropped some virtual breadcrumbs, hoping Daisy was still looking for him, knowing the rest of the team had already given up. (Or at least, he was relatively certain that they had.) He wished he could still remember her phone number but realized that might have been wiped, too. 

One morning, upon waking up, he saw a simple text message on the TV screen facing the bed.

_ Emergency. Please contact. D. _ Underneath the message, a phone number. It sounded familiar. He texted her with just his initials. PC.

He had almost dropped his phone when it had started ringing a couple of hours later, and almost instantly knew that this was an important call.

His heart was beating frantically in his chest.

“Melinda?”

She remained quiet on the other side, but he knew it was her, could hear her breathing, unmistakably her. It was enough to fill his brain with those stupid dreams of the future again, knowing he had screwed that up himself. 

“Phil,” she breathed, and she sounded different, not like the Melinda May he had left behind, then realized the reason why - his heart constricted with guilt. 

“Man, it’s so good to hear your voice. Daisy said there was an emergency?”

Again, she remained silent. He wished he could see what she was doing on the other side. Was she scrunching her face in anger, her fists balled up by her sides? She should punch him in the face if he ever was reunited with her, just so she could set him right again.

“Melinda?”

“I miss you,” she responded, her voice so small. Fuck. He had hurt her even more than he had thought, even though he had already expected the worst. “I hate you so much. I can’t believe you left.”   
And there it was. Melinda May never took long until she would cut the chase, and even though he had left her a mess she still took no bullshit. But her words were right, they rang through in his already miserable heart - he might have gained years to live, but they meant nothing if she wouldn’t spend them by his side. 

“I’m sorry, Melinda.”

They were silent for an impossible amount of time, and while they had always been able to hold comfortable, nice silences, this was anything but. Words kept bubbling up but he swallowed them down.

“Will you ever come back?”

He looked around at this hotel room, unsure where he even was, unsure where she was, unsure if Daisy would be able to get him there - if only he knew the way, he would be running there barefoot if needed. Just so he could be with them.

“I’m, uh, not sure.”

He knew instantly that those were the wrong words, because he heard the phone leaving her ear and falling on something soft, probably a bed or couch. Shit. So even though he’d had weeks to think about his sins, he still added more to his list by sounding like a jerk. He wanted to set them right immediately, calling her name, but it seemed her phone was too far for her to hear him.

And then he heard it, the sound he hadn’t heard in years and had honestly hoped he would never hear - Melinda May was crying. He heard her sobs, piercing through his already cold soul, and he knew she would never ever take him back now, he had broken her beyond repair, he would never be able to fix the damage that he had done to her. How could he ever fix this? The strongest woman he had ever known was crying because of him, and the always so talkative Phil Coulson was at a loss for words.

“Are you alright?” he tried, hoping that maybe a sentence like that would have her explain how he could win her back. No. Of course it couldn’t. You stupid fucking asshole.

But it did, however, open a big can of worms, all the feelings she’d had building up inside her over the past few weeks, her anger, her disappointment, her love for him, he had betrayed her so badly and he had no idea how to fix it, no idea at all, and he started crying for truly, really, his life was nothing if he couldn’t spend it with her, it was the only reason at all that he had left. He had lost her, the one constant in his life, the one who had always protected him no matter what - the love of his life. He had lost the love of his life. 

“I’ll never put my trust in you again, you might have done me a favor like that.”

He forced down a sob and clenched his hand around the phone. 

No! 

Her trust was the only thing that mattered to him. The only thing that could save him from a cold, lonely life. Her trust was what had gotten him through countless of mission together, it had saved his life, made his heart beat in a different frequency, just so he could attempt to return the favor. He could never. 

“Hey, wait-”

But the line went dead. And he stared at it for a good few hours, void of life, void of meaning. Until he received a text from Daisy from a different phone number.

_ You asshole. _ Together with an encrypted message, but his heart seemed to know it.

It were the coordinates of their base.

He had never before ran this quickly.

 

~...~

 

Daisy had hit him and the team had yelled at him, which came as no surprise. 

She was gone, which also was not a surprise.

But after the blur that reuniting with the team and Daisy had created, there was one surprise that made him see stars.

She was pregnant.

She would have a baby.

He would be a father. 

And all this time, he had been gone. He had left his pregnant Melinda May all alone in their cabin on Tahiti, fighting a fight she would have joined him on, to gain another uncertain amount of years. Was it worth it?

He was an asshole. The biggest asshole that had ever walked the face of the earth.

“Will she ever take me back?”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

He had to throw himself to his knees to ask for Melinda’s forgiveness. But he would do that a thousand times over. 

 

~...~

 

_ One week later _

With every passing day in which they didn't find her, Coulson grew more and more worried about her well being, angry at himself for treating her the way he had.

He was an asshole. He hadn't really needed to hear the team's opinions on his absence, but it did motivate him more to find Melinda.

He had gone everywhere he could think of, all of the places and people she might have drawn comfort from, but he kept being greeted by an emptiness in the room and his heart.

He cursed himself that he had left at all. He had seen that she had been sensitive, emotional, not knowing that she might have been pregnant back then, but her heart had been laid out bare and he had promised not to break it, only to crush it when he had left. He wondered deeply whether she would ever accept him back in her life.

He only had one place in his head where she could be, knowing it was the only place where she had felt truly loved and appreciated, and the woman at reception smiled at him. She handed him a key without saying anything else. A strong wind had set in, and he heard someone in the corner saying a storm was coming, which wasn't rare for this area, but it wasn't the storm season anymore which made it slightly odd. In a fleeting moment, Coulson thought it was kind of fitting for the situation. 

As he approached ‘their’ cabin, he immediately saw a figure standing on the beach, the strong wind whipping their hair almost violently around their head. There was no mistaking who it was, and his heart instinctively wanted to reach out to her but he knew he should give her some space.

He threw his duffel bag into the cabin, sensing his spare clothes would be drenched if he would leave it on the beach, and approached her, remaining at a safe distance in case she would attack.

“Melinda!” he yelled, trying to make himself heard over the sounds of the wind. He could tell that she had heard him but she wouldn't respond. She had all right to, he had been a dick.

It started raining, and despite the relative warmth of the climate, he still felt cold and wet. Her hair had long ago stopped dancing around her head, the strands heavy with rain.

“I'm sorry!”

Seriously, Phil Coulson? You knocked her up, broke all your promises to her, and the best you could come up with is ‘I'm sorry'? No wonder she hates you. 

He stepped towards her but kept his hands to himself - he could see she was shivering, probably due to cold, and it made something click inside him. He loved her, and she was pregnant with their child. He had to protect her, no matter the costs.

“Let's get you inside.”

She turned around, and he realized that most of her shivering was caused not by being cold, but by being angry as hell. He saw her fists clench and unclench and he braced himself for her wrath.

But she surprised him by wrapping her arms around him and holding him so close, she might have actually mended their broken hearts. He couldn't keep himself from wrapping her up in his arms and hold her close, the rain intensifying with every passing minute.

He had been so stupid, he knew that now. She had agreed to be by his side when they had first come here, no matter what happened. She knew what she had signed up for, knew he would die, and she had still come with him. She loved him, she always had, and he had ruined everything by thinking she would be better off if he left.

It was the sound of a crack from a nearby tree that pulled him out of his thoughts, and one look all around them showed him that the storm was quickly growing stronger. She was simply pressed against his chest, so he held onto her tightly and carried her to the cabin, only setting her down when they were inside. 

He remembered Daisy, in her attempt to scold him, saying some pretty significant words. “ _ Even the strongest people have their breaking point.” _ Much like the trees outside, which had withstood countless of tropical storms, eventually they would break. It seemed that he had been Melinda May's breaking point, and he was far from proud.

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered. He couldn't really say anything else, knowing she would probably never trust him ever again. 

He should have been there for her. For them. He should have taken Melinda with him, kept her close to him, where she should be. He knew she would have joined him without asking.

“Did you do it?”

“What?”

“What you set out to do?”

He nodded, brushing a hand through her wet hair and feeling the drips of water run down her bare shoulders. She was shivering but she was trying to suppress it. He knew she was still angry, very angry, but Daisy had already divulged that Melinda was quite hormonal, and for good reason.

“Okay.”

Nobody ever really knew how much time they would get in life, but at least his ticking alarm had been set back with at least a few years.

“How?”

He didn’t respond and stepped away from her, seeing how she instinctively reached for him. He dove into his bag, pulled out a shirt and started undressing her, while she voiced her disagreement - whether or not they would sleep in the same bed that night, he didn’t want her to catch a cold. And not even simply because she was pregnant with his child, but because he cared about her, more than he cared about himself.

She had pulled off her sweatpants herself, having finally ditched her efforts in making him stop.

“It’s a long story that doesn’t really matter anymore… the important part is that I abandoned you and you have all right to hate me.”

He used her own shirt to rid her hair of some drops of water, before pulling his shirt over her head and guiding her to the bed. The air had turned chilly and her teeth had started chattering. Once again, she pretended like she was fine. He knew her better than that.

“I do hate you.”

Which was to be expected. He guessed, even if it was a tiny part, a part of her would always hate him. He would fight the rest of his life to make her trust him again.

“But I wouldn’t hate you so much if I didn’t love you.”

He looked at her, watching her settle in, and then she was just laying there, looking at him, and he knew it would take some time before she would invite him in her bed. 

But she did love him. He had heard that correctly. She hated him, but she loved him all the same. 

“You sleep a little, Melinda. I’ll be here.”

She shook her head, suddenly looking very small in this huge bed, something that had hardly ever happened despite the fact that she was, in fact, quite tiny. She always looked about twice her size because of her confidence and wit. 

“Not without you,” she whispered. “Come to bed.” 

It didn’t escape him that he had tried this very tactic with her, a few weeks ago, while they had still been on this island together, in love, hardly a care in the world. She’d had a nightmare and had rushed to the bathroom and he hadn’t had to try hard to get her back under the covers, even though he had been able to tell that he, or at least the sight of him, was part of the reason she had escaped the bed to begin with. 

He shed his own clothes and rushed into the bed, keeping his distance first, not knowing which conditions she would install by inviting him in. But she made it clear pretty quickly that she wanted him close, and he couldn’t deny her what she wanted. 

So they lay together, a million unspoken words still between them, but she was getting sleepy and he realized, there was always tomorrow - he could do that now, postpone some things to another date, knowing he would still be there the next day.

She grabbed his hand and put it on her lower belly, her own hand rested on his forearm. He knew it couldn't possibly be that far in her pregnancy, but he swore he could feel it was slightly swollen.

He still couldn't believe that she was pregnant. They would have a baby together. How had that happened? Well, he knew how, question was more as to why - if he had been on the verge of dying, why had the universe put this upon them,  _ her _ ? He couldn't quite imagine what she must have been feeling when she had found out, not knowing whether she would ever see him again, whether she would have to raise the baby alone.

_ My god.  _ What an idiot he had been.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, but she kissed him eventually, pushing any thoughts that didn’t include her to the background. 

“I can’t forget what you did,” she whispered against his lips, her hand resting in the back of his neck. “But stay with me and I’ll forgive you.”

He nodded, it being the only thing he really wanted, for her to forgive him. He knew she shouldn’t, he had really been a dick, but being inside her arms…

“Melinda?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

He brushed her belly, feeling hope and love flutter in his chest.

“Melinda?”

“Hmm.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

And she kissed him again until they both fell asleep, the past forgotten, at least for the moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He’s not quite there yet, but he’ll get there. We all know May is quite quick to forgive Phil Coulson.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there, gang! Fam! Mostly fluff in this chapter, as you can expect from me. Also I don't know how to finish stories. *shrug*

She awoke in the early morning by a bout of nausea, an ailment that had haunted her for the past few days and which had reminded her more and more of how much she hated Phil Coulson.

She had fallen asleep in his arms while she should have yelled at him, hit him, dammit he had hurt her so much and yet the mere sight of him had washed away all resentment inside her - she couldn’t unlove him. Every inch of her loved him, she couldn’t help it.

The bed was empty and she wanted to yell in anger and fear but her nausea had priority, and she ran to the toilet to empty out her stomach. After only a few seconds, she felt a hand pull her hair back and another brushing her back, and she relaxed against her better judgment, because he was here and she loved him, and dammit this is why she always ended up hurt and ridiculed.

He offered her a damp towel to clean herself and she looked at him for a few moments, before wiping away the tears and spit that was left on her face.

She knew she shouldn’t trust him again, he had broken her heart before. But no matter how many times her heart had taken a beating, it was still calling out for him, wanting to be with him - she was pregnant and they would have a baby together. No matter what happened in the future, she knew they had to try.

He had sat down on the edge of the bath eventually, his hands clenched together but she could see they were shaking. She leaned against the wall, keeping her eyes on him.

“I want to start off,” he whispered, and she could barely hear him. He cleared his throat and continued. “I want to start off by apologizing to you. I never should have left.”

“Then why did you?”

“I-” He looked away and cleared his throat again. “I made the wrong choice. I… I thought I was protecting you. From me, because I’m bad luck and always make the wrong decisions. From yourself… because I know you would have done anything to save me, including having yourself killed. And I didn’t want that for you… I _don’t_ want that for you. And perhaps I thought by removing myself from your life, at least for a while, that it could reset, that you could be happy. But…” He paused and looked at her, and she knew they were both thinking the same thing. She was a mess and had been anything but happy in his absence. “I knew I only had one chance to do this, one chance to change the future. I didn’t think I could take you with me, I thought I would be risking your life. But I guess I still have.

“Look, Melinda, what I’m trying to say is, I fucked up and I know that. I will do anything to set this right. If you need time, you can have it. If you’ll never have me back into your life, I will understand. I will fight the rest of my bloody life to get you back.”

They were silent once more, and again she felt nauseous but she couldn’t give in to it, not now.

“Why would I not want you back?” she asked him seriously, tucking her hair behind her ears. She felt her hair was damp and realized she definitely needed a shower soon. But there were more important things at hand.

He was frowning at her, as though he was nearly offended by her question. Really, she shouldn’t take him back, but she knew she would.

“Why would you?”

“Because I love you?”

“I’ve hurt you badly.”

“I know.”

He dove to the ground mere inches from her, likely hurting his knees in the process (because he was an old man) but something about it made her heart leap.

“Melinda May, if you’re telling me that I still have a chance with you, you will make me the happiest man on planet Earth.”

She rose onto her knees to face him properly, one of her hands on his cheek and the other on his waist.

“Please,” he whispered, his hand tenderly brushing her hair. “Let me be with you.”

“I won’t rule it out.”

A huge smile spread on his face, both his hands cupping her cheeks but she stopped him, just before he could kiss her.

“I just threw up.”

“I don’t care.”

And he pulled her close and kissed her, like he meant it, like they were always supposed to do. She couldn’t hate him, she really couldn’t, even though she should, but her heart spoke for her and her heart wanted him close, as close as he was now, his arms wrapped tightly around her.

“I love you, Melinda” he whispered against her lips as she slipped into his lap.

“I love you, too, Phil.”

 

~...~

 

She awoke from her need to pee, and judging by the heat that was pressing on her, it was the middle of the day.

A quick scan of her surroundings showed her that Phil was in bed with her, fast asleep, his hand gingerly on her lower belly. He looked so peaceful now, even though he had told her many times over how guilty he felt for leaving ever since they had reunited. He had cried in her arms after making love and it was enough to melt what little stone was left around her heart. He was serious. He hadn't wanted to hurt her and he was sorry that he had.

And his hand on her lower belly, with the knowledge that he was covering their baby, safely nestled inside her womb… damn, she hadn't had time to think about it properly, but she was scared of being pregnant. She couldn't deny that this was what she had always wanted. To have a baby with the man of her dreams…

“What are you smiling about?” a voice interrupted her thoughts, amusement in every single letter, and she looked up to see him looking down at her, a smile on his beautiful face. She chuckled, the sound alien to her, too, and she shuffled up the bed so she could kiss him.

“I just realized,” she whispered, kissing him again, “that I'm pregnant.”

He frowned, but she instantly knew he was teasing.

“You're only now finding out?”

“I mean, it didn't register fully until just now. With your hand on my belly.”

He smiled and did it again, his thumb brushing over her belly button, and she looked at the sight, feeling a smile bubbling up again and being unable to fight it.

“Little baby,” he whispered, and shuffled down so he could talk directly to her belly, placing kisses between his sentences. “I hope you didn't hear too much of all the bad things I did to your mother. I swear I'm better than that. But I promised your Mommy that I would be better to her in the future, and that includes you. So, be prepared to be spoiled, because you won't need to ask for anything, ever.”

“Phil, I'm not sure that's a good-”

“Shhhh,” and he knew how much she hated when he did that so he had quite some balls, “your Mommy is still getting used to the future I'm going to give to her. Give her some time.”

She watched him kiss her belly, whisper some things that she couldn't hear. She realized with tears in her eyes that he would be an amazing father, and she was grateful that she had accepted him back in her life. She pulled him up when she knew she was getting emotional. They kissed for a while, one of her favorite pastimes, until she pulled away.

“What future are you giving me?” she whispered, needing to know, needing the hope it might bring with it. Part of her soul was still cold after being apart from him for so long.

“Anything you want,” he whispered. “What do you want?”

“Is this a trick question?”

“Of course not. Melinda, whatever you want, I'll get it for you. Anything.”

Marry him. She wanted to marry him. She wanted to know that he would stay with her, through thick and thin, that he was hers and she was his, she wanted her baby to be a Coulson. _She_ wanted to be a Coulson.

But it was too much to ask, at least for now. They still had their recent traumas fresh in their minds, still had a long way to go until they would be where they had been before he'd left. Even then, she didn't even know if he would want to marry-

“Oh, wait, I got you something.”

He climbed out of bed and she had trouble letting go of his hand. She kept her eyes fixed on him the entire time as he rummaged through his duffel bag, and she was only reassured when he was back in bed.

He handed her a velvet box and she instantly knew what it was. She pushed it back into his hands. He in his turn pushed it into hers and made her close her hands around it.

“It's yours. You can accept it whenever you want, or you can leave it. Whichever one you choose, just know that I'm here, I'll be here, every step of the way. You're the woman I love… and I've never loved anyone like I love you. I never expected to get the chance to talk to you, back in the day, let alone be your friend. And now I'm here in bed with you and we're both naked and you're carrying my baby?” He paused to let a smile break out on his face. “No matter what happens, I love you.”

“Phil, I…” But she had no words. At least, no words to refuse him, which would have been the sensible thing to do. But again, her heart wasn't willing to do the _sensible_ thing, with him so close and his eyes basically representing little hearts when he looked at her…

She heard herself say the words before her traitorous brain could stop her. “Yes. A thousand times yes.”

She hoped this time, her trust would not be abused.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this really is it! Happy New Year, and I hope you'll enjoy the final chapter!

_ One week later _

Daisy kept checking her phone to see if she had received any sign of life from May and Coulson, but she guessed in these circumstances, no news was good news.

Life had returned to normal, for as much as it could be normal. The day Coulson had left to set out in search for May had been chaotic, but pretty soon everyone continued with the regular order of the day. 

Daisy felt guilty looking at Jemma. With all that had happened between their leaders, she had nearly forgotten about Jemma's pain, her loss, and it seemed that Jemma had forgotten about that as well.

“Hey,” Daisy said as she entered the lab. Jemma was just pinching the bridge of her nose. “You alright?”

Jemma looked up at her, and Daisy saw all the hurt in those big brown eyes. She stepped closer and wrapped an arm around her. 

“We'll find him, Jemma. I promise.”

Jemma nodded. “At least… at least I know that he is safe, wherever he is.” It had been the complete opposite with Coulson, which had pulled the search for him to the center of attention. 

Piper poked her head through the door opening. “They're here!”

Jemma immediately switched to interested-friend mode, but Daisy stopped her. 

“Will you be alright?”

Jemma shrugged. “I will be. Once I can make sure May's pregnancy is going swimmingly.”

Of course. Always the dedicated scientist. Jemma gave her a reassuring smile before they set out towards the hangar.

They had arrived just in time to see the loading dock lowered and her parents exit the Quinjet. They were holding hands and neither of them had any bruises on them, so a wave of relief flooded Daisy. She approached them and wrapped an arm around both.

“Please, never ever do that again,” she whispered. Coulson kissed the side of her head and May just held on to her a little tighter. When May's hand brushed Daisy's cheek, something felt different about it. Daisy grabbed it and immediately saw a big, diamond ring prancing away. She had to fight her enthusiasm down and simply smiled at the couple, hugging them again.

“Don't screw it up again,” she told them both. She could tell neither was planning on messing this up a second time.

 

~...~

 

_ A few weeks later _

He awoke in the early morning because of his rumbling stomach, reminding him of his priorities from the night before. He'd had two bites of his self-made casserole before he'd settled for watching Melinda enjoy his dinner. By the time he realized it, the food had gone cold and she had smiled at him, too, convincing him his night would be filled with much tastier things.

He was still plagued by guilt, he guessed he would never quite shake that. She had forgiven him for all the things that he'd done, but he could never forgive himself. Especially considering there would have been space for her - even if they would have had to share a single bed, or he would have slept in a chair and she could have taken the bed...

He reached beside him to hug her, or at least look at her while she was asleep. But he found the bed empty, cold, her scent still lingering, and he found himself panicking immediately - alright, this was what he had feared all along, she couldn't forgive him after all and she was moving on now. She was leaving and taking everything with her, their daughter Daisy who would never talk to him again, and his,  _ their _ unborn baby, who was still so tiny inside her womb and he would never have the pleasure of meeting them.

He jumped out of the bed, only putting on his boxer shorts and running out of the room, anywhere, set out to look for her and beg her to stay with him. He would throw himself to his knees, kiss her feet, do anything she wanted him to do. He would even leave her alone, if she wanted him to.

“Melinda!” he yelled out, hoping she was still here. Maybe she was still in the building, putting on her shoes or something. Maybe he wasn't too late.

He found her in the kitchen, leaning with the front of her body against the counter, her fingers wrapped around a mug, her favorite mug. She startled at his abrupt entrance, as she turned around and dropped the mug, tea splattering all around her. 

“You're still here,” he breathed in relief, for she was, she really was. He had thought she had left but here she was, in one of his shirts (which incidentally looked way better on her anyway), making seemingly no haste to go anywhere. Her hair was tousled and there were traces of her mascara underneath her eyes, her belly was growing slightly and she had made no attempts to hide that, either - she had never looked more beautiful than she did then.

“Phil? Is everything alright?”

“I'm so sorry, Melinda.”

She looked down as she carefully manoeuvred her way around the shard-covered kitchen floor. Then, their eyes met again when she was a few feet away from him. She frowned.

“It's just a mug.”

He shook his head.

“Then what are you sorry for?”

He lowered his head and admitted to his tears in shame. They stood like that for a while, until he saw from the corner of his eyes that she had approached him again, stepping directly in front of him this time.

Her hands came up to brush his cheeks, brushing away the tears, her calm and gentle eyes meeting his. 

“I thought you had left,” he whispered, his throat still thick with tears. “I thought… I woke up and you were gone and I realized in that moment what it must have felt like for you, to be in love one moment and to fear for your life the next. And I cannot, cannot…  _ cannot _ believe that I put you through that. I don't know how you survived. And… I can't live with this guilt. I just keep dreaming of you, but with another man, who is better for you and keeps your wants and needs met, and it isn't me and it really shouldn't be me-”

Her hand reached out to hold his, and it shut him up as he looked at the place where they were joined. His vision was clouded with tears and he felt like such an idiot and a pussy.

Then, she put her hand on her belly, hard and slightly swollen, introducing them slowly to the bump that would be their child, and he closed his eyes in even more shame.

“Hey,” she whispered, calm and collected. “It's alright. I'm here.  _ We're  _ here. We're not going anywhere.”

“But…”

She shook her head and kissed him, one of her hands still covering his on her belly while the other rested in the back of his neck. They kissed for a little bit before she made him look at her.

“You're taking my job,” she whispered, a small smile pulling on her lips. When he frowned, she continued. “I'm the one who should be hormonal and emotional.”

And he smiled through his tears, his arms both wrapping around her and enveloping her in such a tight hug, he could feel her baby bump press against him.

“I love you, Phil,” she whispered near his ear. “I love you so much.”

He carried her with him to their personal quarters, leaving behind the mess she had made for someone else to clean up.

He had to spend this precious time cuddling with his wife.

His wife.

He couldn't believe he still deserved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll see you again in my next piece, which is smut and I'm still working on it, tbh. Stay tuned, and thank you so much for reading!


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